When I Get What I Want Today

Written on May 17th, 2022

Dear, Ruth, my best friend.

It’s been a quarter since I last wrote to you. I didn’t expect this quarter will get me so exhausted that writing feels like a burden. Finally, here I am. So glad to get back to you again.

I finally learn to accept the weaker part of me, which, I never even got a glimpse of it before. My mind is crowded by thoughts. “What to do with my own expectations?”, “What if I never get to where I thought I supposed to be?” I failed, then I’ve got frustrated. The weaker part of me without mercy suppress the better part of me. It lies, manipulates, and blinds me. Until one day, the truth hits.

It’s a regular Monday morning. I worked on this spreadsheet, tried to gain some insight from a whole bunch of numbers that looked overwhelming and I did not know where to start. Got overwhelmed, I made myself a cup of coffee and tried to slowly put things together, match up different things, and lots of stuffs. I am new to this and the learning curve feels steep. After a few blank stares, I could finally finish it. I lean back, exhale deeply, and took a minute rest. The smell of coffee still lingered in my room, and the soft piano music played so tenderly. “Isn’t this the kind of job that you wanted?”, said a little voice in my head. And I thought, “Yeah, this is exactly what I wanted.” I leaned my head, “But I never thought I would struggle so much with it.” Isn’t it so funny, when I did exactly a small fragment of what I dreamed, but it just went through my head like the wind. I struggled too much to realize that. I worked until the sun goes down, then after a good shower, I ponder upon this.

Ruth, I have many dreams, I want to achieve so many milestones, and sometimes, I’ve got too greedy. I’m so impatient and I thought I should have it all now. Now, so I can dream and want the next things again. I’m sick of dreaming and looking at that one thing but can never grab it no matter how much I’ve tried. I’m not sick of my dream, but the feeling of… you know.

Thankfully, my struggle this morning made me realize. What if the mountain that is my dream really be granted to me, like, I don’t know, maybe tomorrow? And yet only the foot of that mountain is enough to make me scratch my head and had to cope with some caffeine! My goodness, writing that sentence just made me laugh so much.

Oh, Ruth, what if everything I wanted really is given to me tomorrow? My, my, how many gallon of coffee would I drink? Can you imagine how pale my face would get? Flat white!

It’s such a joy to write to you again. I hope you are healthy and doing well where you are. What coffee should I make you when you come by next time? Do let me know!

Sincerely, yours

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I hope these letters find you well, till we meet again.

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Letters for Ruth

Letters for Ruth

I hope these letters find you well, till we meet again.

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